


Fareeha's Mom (Has Got it Going On)

by Dracoduceus



Series: Tastes Like Yellow [5]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: (everyone talks about who they jerked off to from Old Overwatch), Hanzo Shimada is a Little Shit, M/M, Shenanigans of drunk people, Soldier: 76 the world's worst secret, discussion of hero worship, discussion of young mchanzo, overuse of Kenny Chesney lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:47:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24341551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dracoduceus/pseuds/Dracoduceus
Summary: In which the team gets drunk and talks about their childhood heroes and which ones they fantasized about the most.The healers get to pick on Genji, Hanzo gets to embarrass people, and everyone (except Fareeha) has a fun time.
Relationships: Jesse McCree/Hanzo Shimada
Series: Tastes Like Yellow [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1331213
Comments: 23
Kudos: 159





	Fareeha's Mom (Has Got it Going On)

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when I listen to [Stacy's Mom](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZLfasMPOU4) on repeat for 8 hours and then have it stuck in my head for the next week. 
> 
> Another reason to not ever take me seriously.

“You don’t just jack off to John Wayne!” McCree protested. His voice, made louder in his inebriation and outrage, drew everyone’s attention.

Hanzo snorted, drunk enough to have a sway in his posture. “My apologies,” he said, sarcastic in a way that the team didn’t typically hear from him. “You make slow, sweet love.” His voice dropped lower and he attempted a poor imitation of McCree’s accent.

“What’s this now?” Hana demanded. “Why are we talking about—”

“He was talking about his childhood heroes,” Hanzo said, letting his head fall backwards over the couch to look at the rest of the group. His face was flushed with alcohol. “And how he _absolutely_ jacked off to John Wayne’s voice.”

McCree slapped his chest with a pillow and Hanzo laughed. “Better than jacking off to Jack fucking Morrison.”

Soldier: 76 dropped his mug. They ignored him.

“Yes, of course,” Hanzo purred, not embarrassed at all to admit it. “There’s just something about someone’s shoulders filling out a jacket like that.”

“And it didn’t matter to you that he’s a foreigner? It seems like that should have tweaked your traditional tendencies,” McCree teased and yelped when Hanzo must have kicked him.

Hanzo reclined on the couch, his back propped up by the arm; as the team walked toward the couches, they found that he had draped his legs over McCree’s lap. “It’s a fantasy, darlin’,” he said, again attempting to mimic McCree’s drawl. “But I do like a big strong farmer.”

Soldier: 76 tripped over his own feet as he bent to pick up the shards of his dropped mug; none of them so much as looked at him.

“Ana Amari,” Hana said and they all looked at her. “She was the biggest badass—well, she still is,” she added with a nod at Ana. “I wanted to be just like her, even though I wasn’t much for the traditional kind of soldier.”

“Yeah,” Brigitte laughed. “It was definitely Ana Amari for me. I wanted to be just as strong as her.”

There was a general murmur of consensus except from Fareeha, who took a long drink from the cup in her hand with the look of someone who desperately wanted to be anywhere but right there.

“Yeah, but that’s hero worship,” Ana said, clearly pleased with the attention. “I thought we were talking about sexual fantasies.”

“Sexual fantasies about our heroes,” Hanzo corrected.

At the same time, McCree said, “yeah, we are.”

There was a long moment of silence. “Is no one going to say it?” Hana demanded. “I’m sure that we all got off to the idea of Ana Amari bending us over and making us beg.” Fareeha spat out her drink and coughed. “Except Fareeha.”

“Sounds about right,” Brigitte mused.

Hanzo smiled. “I’m gay—always knew I was,” he said. “Very, very gay. But my family still expected me to produce some form of heir, even if it was through artificial insemination. They had been looking at a daughter of another clan, whose marriage to me would form an alliance that was very beneficial.” His smile turned into a wicked smirk. “I remember thinking to myself that if I can’t have a Jack Morrison pounding me into the bed, then I could pretend that it was Ana Amari bending me over and making me beg and be happier for it. Men are the worst.”

This time it was Ana that spat out her drink. She was laughing and soon her good eye was streaming with tears.

“Wow,” was all Brigitte had to say.

“Eew,” Genji muttered. “Jack Morrison though? Why not Reyes?”

Hanzo shrugged. “I supposed that I found him just as physically attractive,” he admitted. “But there’s just something about a farmer that appealed to me.”

“She thinks my tractor’s sexy,” McCree quipped and laughed.

Smirking, Hanzo’s voice dropped low and husky. His eyes were on Soldier: 76 as he seemed to waver between joining the team and coming up with a very transparent excuse for leaving. He froze beneath Hanzo’s gaze like a deer in headlights. “There was just something about a big strong farmer and his big strong hands that really did it for me,” he purred.

McCree bent over Hanzo’s feet, still draped over his lap, as he laughed hard enough that he was wheezing. “I can’t,” he cried, breathless, voice cracking. “I can’t breathe.”

“Well,” Genji said loudly. “I know my fantasy was Angela Ziegler.” He said wistfully. Then his face dropped theatrically, his voice returning to normal. “And then I met her.”

“And I wouldn’t touch you like that with a ten-meter pole,” she said cheerfully. For good measure, she flipped him off.

Genji put a hand over his heart. “You wound me.”

“Better call the medic.”

Swooning dramatically, Genji flopped over Brigitte’s lap. She would have spilled her drink if she hadn’t raised her arms just in time. “I need healing.”

Laughing, Brigitte shoved him off of her lap—and off the couch. Genji groaned when an orb struck him in the stomach and fell to the ground with a dull klunk. “Ow.” The orb began to glow golden and stuck a golden tendril toward Genji.

“Do you need more healing?” Baptiste asked with a laugh. “I can get my gun.”

“Mine as well,” Ana said. “Now that you’re sitting still. Even drunk you shouldn’t be too hard a target right now,” she added, taking a pensive sip of her drink.

“What happened to ‘first do no harm’?” Genji whined. 

Angela snorted. “You _do_ realize that it is no longer a requirement to swear to the Hippocratic Oath, right?” 

“We’re getting off topic,” Hana said, clapping her hands with each word. “Old Overwatch sexual fantasies, go.” 

She looked right at Soldier: 76 who had yet to flee. 

“Uh,” he said eloquently. “Gabriel...Reyes?” 

McCree gave an exaggerated groan as he rolled his eyes. “Those _thighs_.” 

“Amen,” Baptiste murmured, lifting his drink in a wordless toast of agreement. 

Soldier: 76 wheezed. 

“While it wasn’t sexual in nature, I did admire Dr. Ziegler,” Baptiste admitted. “I read a lot of her papers and books. Fascinating stuff.” 

“We’re getting off-topic,” Hana scolded. “We all know that a smart mind is sexy.” Everyone nodded in agreement. “But come on, Soldier...given all of the attractive people on the Old Overwatch’s roster, is Gabriel Reyes the _only_ one?” 

Soldier: 76 sputtered. 

“I mean,” McCree said slowly. “Even if _I_ didn’t find them attractive, there were _so many_ attractive people on the posters.” 

“Reinhardt,” Hana said and Brigitte made a face. “Look, I know he’s like your uncle or something, but that doesn’t mean I’m blind.” 

Brigitte continued to look pained. “I’m trying not to think about his long flowing hair phase.” 

“It wasn’t just a phase!” Reinhardt cried and laughed. “I looked good and you know it.” 

Leaning over, Ana put a slender hand on one of his big arms. “You _still_ look good,” she assured him. Hana and Brigitte both made gagging noises.

“Old people in love,” Genji said with mock disgust. “Eew.” 

As it happened with drunk people, the discussion moved on. McCree was the only one to notice Hanzo give an over-the-top wink at Soldier: 76. He bit his lip to keep from laughing when Hanzo blew a quick kiss to the old soldier who finally turned and fled. 

McCree leaned over Hanzo’s legs as he gave in and laughed so hard he wheezed. “Babe.” 

“Sorry,” Hanzo said, not sounding sorry at all. “I couldn’t resist.” 

When he caught his breath, McCree let his hand creep up Hanzo’s leg, sliding inside of his knee and stopping there. He could feel Hanzo’s leg tense. “Does that mean that next time in bed, you’re going to wear a cowboy hat?” 

Hanzo’s head tipped back as he laughed and McCree stared at the curve of his neck. It was flushed with alcohol and just beneath the collar of Hanzo’s casual shirt, he could see the edge of a fading bruise. 

“Only if you decide to talk to me about corn farming in the middle of the plains,” Hanzo told him, pushing his knee into McCree’s hand. 

McCree wheezed and took a sip of his beer. “Now or in bed?” 

After another sip of his drink, Hanzo set it aside and slid smoothly into McCree’s lap. Distantly, Hanzo could hear someone choking—possibly Fareeha or maybe Genji—as McCree’s warm hands curled over his hips. “I think what I’d prefer,” Hanzo whispered huskily into McCree’s ear. “Is to just hear a Blackwatch agent in my bed. You know, the twink in the cowboy hat that tried to infiltrate Shimada Castle.” 

“I infiltrated it and you knew it,” McCree protested. “And I wasn’t a twink!” 

“You got distracted by going through my closet and finding all of my sex toys,” Hanzo told him with a laugh. He leaned in close. “Would you like to recreate that moment?” 

“Maybe, maybe not,” McCree told him. “I don’t care as long as we get out of here. Now.” 

Laughing, Hanzo slid off of McCree’s laugh and took his hand. They passed Soldier: 76 in the hall and felt his eyes, hidden by his stupid red visor, rest on their linked hands. 

“What can I say?” McCree asked as Hanzo pulled him down the hall, completely ignoring Soldier: 76’s judgmental stare. “He thinks my tractor’s sexy.”

**Author's Note:**

> So funny story about this song. I do really enjoy it but every once in a while I remember that my dad, whenever he saw a hot woman (my parents were divorced), he'd either say "Whoa, Mama" (in a reference to Johnny Bravo) or "there goes Stacy's mom". While it's understandable that he wouldn't want to discuss the women he wanted to bone with his child, it's definitely more than I wanted to know as a kid. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this quick little story. I had a lot of fun writing it. You can also find me on Twitter at [Dracoduceus](https://twitter.com/dracoduceus). 
> 
> ~DC


End file.
